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Operation

The next stage all happened really quickly. I was still getting over my jetlag and 3 week drinking binge when I met the consultant who was going to chop off one of the boys. Pretty straight forward, he said it was just like a hernia operation, which wasnít a great help as I hadnít had one of them either. I did have a random thought about birds and Iím glad Iím not one - at least with a bloke, the bits are on the outside!

It was humorous having a discussion about fake balls while your mumís in the room. It was like going in to select a hockey stick when I was younger. Not really knowing what Iím looking for but weighing up each of them to see which takes your fancy. MMMMmmmm this ones a tad big, tad small, too heavy, too lightÖ.Clearly bottled getting a big maraca of a ball and went for one the same size. Yes Iím a boring bastard, I was going to enquire about getting an inflatable one but thought best not.

As told the operation was really straight forward and as I knew chemo was coming round the corner I didnít really see it as a big issue. I mean look at the facts, youíve got cancer, the quicker it comes out and chemo starts the better chance you have of curing it. No point getting upset, it needs to be done and thatís the end of it. The only decision that you have any say over is whether you get the fake one or not. Oh, random fact about getting fake ball, you get an implant passport. I wonder whether birds with fake tits get them too?

After the op I wasnít too ill at all. I still went to the local for cheeky pints and dragged all my mates to Manchester for a piss up. Well it would have been rude not too as I knew I wouldnít be up for beers during chemo. Clearly I was a little delicate in the trouser department and certainly wasnít going to star in a porno but I was okay.

Will I get hardons anymore? I watched the ďsecretaryĒ film, which soon put an end to that question. The concept of sex was still a little daunting but I knew I had to go to the wank bank next week to freeze some of the boys. Nothing can prepare you for wank bank conversations with the doctor in front of your mother. My advice is to tell the doctor beforehand that he really doesnít need to bring it up mid conversation when talking about the next steps.

My mum being the supportive person that she is kindly offered to take me to the clinic to put the chaps on ice and wait for me outside!!! I know, I know, there I am struggling with the pain of it all and Iíve got my mum tapping on the door to make sure everything is okay. Not the best way to get the job done. Note: Yes, I had private medical care and no, a cute nurse doesnít help you.  NEXT

 

 

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